September 11, 2009
In my ongoing pursuit to regain normalcy, I’ve returned to the comforting (and energizing) arms of coffee. I forewent my beloved morning cuppa joe when I was pregnant (and will again with the next pregnancies) not only to avoid the daily dose of caffeine early in pregnancy, but also because the warm, bracing caresses of the black brew frankly turned my delicate morning-sickened tummy.
But now, I’m bringing coffee back. Methodically. I’m doing half-caf (non-coffee drinkers read: half decaffeinated, half caffeinated), which should work out well in case I begin to feel any anxiety – which can be exacerbated by too much caffeine.
My first cup was dismal. Too weak. And as every serious coffee drinker knows, a weak cup is pretty much a little worse than no cup at all. So out it went. Yup. Down the drain.
The next cup was fairly strong (albeit still too weak for the likes of my sis-in-law Anne), so it stayed. I put a bit more cream and sugar in, and – ahhhh – just right.
Welcome back, coffee.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
First Haircut!
September 12th
It was time. I had stubbornly put it off, hoping for a thick, glossy growth spurt - but, alas, it was time. My little girl's hair was growing, but somehow it was becoming more wispy and feather-like in appearance, rather than the shiny, honey-colored locks I knew it could be. The last straw was in the doctor's office when I happened to overhear a little boy refer to my sweet daughter as "him." Suddenly I saw with new eyes how much her shaggy, uneven hair had begun to resemble a mullet beneath the cute little flowered hat she was wearing. I was finally driven to admit it: It's time, Jessica, it's time. So we took her in for professional help. Precision Cuts, to be precise.
It was time. I had stubbornly put it off, hoping for a thick, glossy growth spurt - but, alas, it was time. My little girl's hair was growing, but somehow it was becoming more wispy and feather-like in appearance, rather than the shiny, honey-colored locks I knew it could be. The last straw was in the doctor's office when I happened to overhear a little boy refer to my sweet daughter as "him." Suddenly I saw with new eyes how much her shaggy, uneven hair had begun to resemble a mullet beneath the cute little flowered hat she was wearing. I was finally driven to admit it: It's time, Jessica, it's time. So we took her in for professional help. Precision Cuts, to be precise.
Daddy was home so we all got to go together!
The Before Shot: The Shaggy Feather Mullet.
We were very happy to have Daddy with us.
What's more fun than getting your hair cut in an off-road vehicle, I ask you?
Other than being a little more serious than usual, Siennalee did great.
She totally cooperated with the strange lady with the scissors. Wouldn't you?
They had movies there for the kids to watch, so while she got her hair done, Siennalee was treated to one of her newest favorite movies - Cinderella.
She even let the lady blow dry her hair!
I was feeling really good at this point.
All my fears of a little-boy-bowl-cut had fled.
Cute little bob cut.
The After Shot: Our cute little girl with a girlie 'do!
*happy mommy sigh*
She even got a pink balloon for being such a big girl (although I suspect they give these to the criers and screamers, too, but I didn't tell her that).
Siennalee is so proud of her new haircut. We brush it and put bows in it and she'll parade around and show it off. It's precious. Little girls are so much fun. I highly recommend them.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
2 Corinthians 4:8,9
September 11, 2009
I’m not an optimist by nature. That’s my mom’s gift. My pessimistic father used to call her “Pollyanna” – but while he used this as more of somewhat affectionate insult, if there is such a thing, I saw – between the two of them – that for all my mom’s pie-in-the-sky talk and outlook and my father’s doom-and-gloom-til-you-die, I saw that she was always the stronger one.
I’m always bemused by the old question “Is the glass half empty or half full?” I find it unsatisfactory. From your response, “Oh, the glass is ____” your optimistic/pessimistic nature is supposed to be revealed. I need more from the question. For instance, how did the glass start out? Was it empty and then filled halfway? Or was the glass full and somebody came ‘round and drank half of it down? These are the questions I need answered before I can find out the answer.
But lately, I feel as though somebody has drunk my glass down. Sadly, Jason and I just suffered the loss of our little unborn baby, which now makes for two miscarriages in a row. It’s unthinkable. It’s shocking. I can still hardly absorb it. This little being was planned, rejoiced over, and utterly wanted from the moment we thought of him, from the moment we knew of his conception. My glass was full. Then the moment of loss.
I’m not an optimist by nature, but I’ve learned from necessity that God gave us the choice and ability to make life more than what we were given by nature. So I learned to stretch myself beyond who I am and add buoyancy to my spirit; to my mind. The waters of our world can go black and treacherous so quickly. If we want to drown – we certainly will.
Loss is black water. It sucks you down. Blocks out all light. Steals your breath and feeling. It buries you. Even when you’ve been through something like this before, the loss of what you were happily anticipating is still always proportionate to the loss of the relationship and intimacy denied – a child is gone. The rooms of the house of grief are familiar, but you still must go through them all anew before you can reach the end with a healthy heart.
So I move through these echoing rooms, knowing that almost at any moment, the realization of what I’ve lost – my baby no longer with me, my husband denied another child, my daughter not having that anticipated baby brother or sister – can suddenly wash over me and swamp me. And I’m pulled down into the black water.
That’s where I am right now. It’s 3 am. Jason is in Klamath Falls, Siennalee is sleeping sweetly. I awoke to a noise – which a bit of prowling revealed as nothing – and came back to bed to find sleep gone. And naturally, rather than searching for sleep, my mind goes to the places it ought not to go. Profound sadness. Grief. Great yawning unknown future. I feel a tug and the waters are lapping around my throat. I fight it, I want sleep, but instead the waters are pulled over my head and I feel them rushing by as my buoyancy fails and I’m sucked down to blackness.
It’s terrible down here.
Sometimes I have to cry. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes when I start to cry, I can’t stop.
I can’t describe it.
I can’t hide from it.
The loss is so great – I am not equal to it.
It shakes me to the core.
But I can’t stay here. I’ve learned to not stay here.
I invested a lot into allowing God to teach me to rise above what’s around me. I’ve practiced this a lot. So I fill myself with what’s lighter than the heavy waters around me. I repeat promises God gave to us, I remember Who God is, I know what He’s done for us, I sing songs that tell of His goodness and faithfulness. And I feel my spirit begin to expand against the cold, pressing darkness.
I’m not alone in these waters – God hasn’t abandoned me. He’s right here – He grieves with me over this loss. After all, He is the Author of Life. He gave me the desire to have a family. He knit my children together in my womb. Though I will not know two of them in this life, He does know them as He formed their little bodies, creating them for life. This loss was not His perfect plan. He designed us for a perfect world which, unfortunately, we no longer have. Bad things happen now. We get sick. We die. Things happen that He did not plan for us. It can be a crappy, crappy world. But yet, He tells us to take heart – though in this world we will have troubles, He has overcome the world. There can be life beyond the loss. And there’s always light above the dark waters.
I’m not a pessimist by nature, but I know that even with all of God’s promises and all the songs I can sing, this grief will not be dispelled quickly, nor does one blog post effectively cover the entirety of such a disappointment, such a loss, the black waters of grief, and the rising above. It’s a process. The tears don’t just end, there’s no quick happy ending. The sadness does not just dissipate. Like our physical bodies, there’s still a healing process. The broken places must be bound up to heal, they must be cared for and cradled, and then strength must slowly be brought back. I wish I could heal up tonight. Be all better and back to normal tomorrow. I wish these tears would dry up and the pain in my heart would quiet. I wish this hadn’t happened at all.
Optimism isn’t in my nature. I’ve had to fight for it. I continue to fight for it. I know that even through these dark times, there’s life – and life more abundantly – on the other side. The promises of God are not voided by hard times, this I know even though my feelings tell me differently.
It’s time for me to sleep again. In a few hours, Siennalee will wake rested – fully expecting the same of her mommy. Jason will be home tomorrow night – or tonight now, I should say. And life goes on.
I’m not an optimist by nature. That’s my mom’s gift. My pessimistic father used to call her “Pollyanna” – but while he used this as more of somewhat affectionate insult, if there is such a thing, I saw – between the two of them – that for all my mom’s pie-in-the-sky talk and outlook and my father’s doom-and-gloom-til-you-die, I saw that she was always the stronger one.
I’m always bemused by the old question “Is the glass half empty or half full?” I find it unsatisfactory. From your response, “Oh, the glass is ____” your optimistic/pessimistic nature is supposed to be revealed. I need more from the question. For instance, how did the glass start out? Was it empty and then filled halfway? Or was the glass full and somebody came ‘round and drank half of it down? These are the questions I need answered before I can find out the answer.
But lately, I feel as though somebody has drunk my glass down. Sadly, Jason and I just suffered the loss of our little unborn baby, which now makes for two miscarriages in a row. It’s unthinkable. It’s shocking. I can still hardly absorb it. This little being was planned, rejoiced over, and utterly wanted from the moment we thought of him, from the moment we knew of his conception. My glass was full. Then the moment of loss.
I’m not an optimist by nature, but I’ve learned from necessity that God gave us the choice and ability to make life more than what we were given by nature. So I learned to stretch myself beyond who I am and add buoyancy to my spirit; to my mind. The waters of our world can go black and treacherous so quickly. If we want to drown – we certainly will.
Loss is black water. It sucks you down. Blocks out all light. Steals your breath and feeling. It buries you. Even when you’ve been through something like this before, the loss of what you were happily anticipating is still always proportionate to the loss of the relationship and intimacy denied – a child is gone. The rooms of the house of grief are familiar, but you still must go through them all anew before you can reach the end with a healthy heart.
So I move through these echoing rooms, knowing that almost at any moment, the realization of what I’ve lost – my baby no longer with me, my husband denied another child, my daughter not having that anticipated baby brother or sister – can suddenly wash over me and swamp me. And I’m pulled down into the black water.
That’s where I am right now. It’s 3 am. Jason is in Klamath Falls, Siennalee is sleeping sweetly. I awoke to a noise – which a bit of prowling revealed as nothing – and came back to bed to find sleep gone. And naturally, rather than searching for sleep, my mind goes to the places it ought not to go. Profound sadness. Grief. Great yawning unknown future. I feel a tug and the waters are lapping around my throat. I fight it, I want sleep, but instead the waters are pulled over my head and I feel them rushing by as my buoyancy fails and I’m sucked down to blackness.
It’s terrible down here.
Sometimes I have to cry. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes when I start to cry, I can’t stop.
I can’t describe it.
I can’t hide from it.
The loss is so great – I am not equal to it.
It shakes me to the core.
But I can’t stay here. I’ve learned to not stay here.
I invested a lot into allowing God to teach me to rise above what’s around me. I’ve practiced this a lot. So I fill myself with what’s lighter than the heavy waters around me. I repeat promises God gave to us, I remember Who God is, I know what He’s done for us, I sing songs that tell of His goodness and faithfulness. And I feel my spirit begin to expand against the cold, pressing darkness.
I’m not alone in these waters – God hasn’t abandoned me. He’s right here – He grieves with me over this loss. After all, He is the Author of Life. He gave me the desire to have a family. He knit my children together in my womb. Though I will not know two of them in this life, He does know them as He formed their little bodies, creating them for life. This loss was not His perfect plan. He designed us for a perfect world which, unfortunately, we no longer have. Bad things happen now. We get sick. We die. Things happen that He did not plan for us. It can be a crappy, crappy world. But yet, He tells us to take heart – though in this world we will have troubles, He has overcome the world. There can be life beyond the loss. And there’s always light above the dark waters.
I’m not a pessimist by nature, but I know that even with all of God’s promises and all the songs I can sing, this grief will not be dispelled quickly, nor does one blog post effectively cover the entirety of such a disappointment, such a loss, the black waters of grief, and the rising above. It’s a process. The tears don’t just end, there’s no quick happy ending. The sadness does not just dissipate. Like our physical bodies, there’s still a healing process. The broken places must be bound up to heal, they must be cared for and cradled, and then strength must slowly be brought back. I wish I could heal up tonight. Be all better and back to normal tomorrow. I wish these tears would dry up and the pain in my heart would quiet. I wish this hadn’t happened at all.
Optimism isn’t in my nature. I’ve had to fight for it. I continue to fight for it. I know that even through these dark times, there’s life – and life more abundantly – on the other side. The promises of God are not voided by hard times, this I know even though my feelings tell me differently.
It’s time for me to sleep again. In a few hours, Siennalee will wake rested – fully expecting the same of her mommy. Jason will be home tomorrow night – or tonight now, I should say. And life goes on.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
Perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not abandoned;
Struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Lost and Found
It's been a bumpy year, I'll admit it. Since my blog sabbatical began in May (this is what I'm terming the previous silent months :) ), there have been some big changes in our family. The first was Jason getting a very well deserved promotion, the second was the substantial move that the promotion would require. These were big changes.
We moved fast. Jason began his new position, located in Klamath Falls, and I went down with him to secure a suitable geobachelor pad. He then began the new schedule of working in Klamath Falls during the week and each Friday driving back (3 hours, 40 minutes) to our home in Albany to spend the weekend with us. Our beloved home was put on the market (where it continues to wait for that perfect buyer).
Siennalee and I have settled into a weekly routine together; it's sweet and tasking at the same time - I'll readily admit that there are very good reasons God had daddies come home at the end of the days. It's not easy being the sole local parent and dog owner and house owner as well as my other functions, but God continues to give us extra grace for now.
Some days I feel lost in transition. At any point, our home could sell and we could be boxing up our lives and moving the almost 4 hours south. At any point, I could be saying goodbye to friends I've worked so hard to make here in Albany and heading to city unknown to start all over again. Then there's the other side - endless weeks without Jason and Daddy stretch on before us. Either way, it's daunting. It's easy to feel lost.
But that's where my own power of choice shines through the murky darkness of feelings. Every day God is faithful to provide opportunities for me to stretch myself beyond the scary unknown and focus on what's here in front of me. Every day I'm able to choose what to find in today. Friendship, value, new life, milestones, giggles. Felicity. I can find it all. Even with a future that feels a little lost, I can find all that I need in today, if I choose.
We moved fast. Jason began his new position, located in Klamath Falls, and I went down with him to secure a suitable geobachelor pad. He then began the new schedule of working in Klamath Falls during the week and each Friday driving back (3 hours, 40 minutes) to our home in Albany to spend the weekend with us. Our beloved home was put on the market (where it continues to wait for that perfect buyer).
Siennalee and I have settled into a weekly routine together; it's sweet and tasking at the same time - I'll readily admit that there are very good reasons God had daddies come home at the end of the days. It's not easy being the sole local parent and dog owner and house owner as well as my other functions, but God continues to give us extra grace for now.
Some days I feel lost in transition. At any point, our home could sell and we could be boxing up our lives and moving the almost 4 hours south. At any point, I could be saying goodbye to friends I've worked so hard to make here in Albany and heading to city unknown to start all over again. Then there's the other side - endless weeks without Jason and Daddy stretch on before us. Either way, it's daunting. It's easy to feel lost.
But that's where my own power of choice shines through the murky darkness of feelings. Every day God is faithful to provide opportunities for me to stretch myself beyond the scary unknown and focus on what's here in front of me. Every day I'm able to choose what to find in today. Friendship, value, new life, milestones, giggles. Felicity. I can find it all. Even with a future that feels a little lost, I can find all that I need in today, if I choose.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Felicity Found
fe-lic-i-ty
Pronunciation: [fi-lis-i-tee]
Function: noun
1. the quality or state of being happy; especially : great happiness
Pronunciation: [fi-lis-i-tee]
ɪ
Function: noun
1. the quality or state of being happy; especially : great happiness
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Random Cutenesses
As I type this, Siennalee is at the window. She's found a tiny friend. "Ooo, it's a wittle bug," she exclaims, "hi! Hiii! You could get on my finger. Wittle bug, you could get on my finger... Mommie, could you come see him - what he's doin'? Mommie, could you come see the bug with me?" Presently she's trying to feed him an apple seed. "He weally hungry," she informs me.
During a visit to Paul and Anne's house she found a sugar ant and, fascinated, watched him crawl all up and around her arm. Mouth open in amazement, she'd turn her arm this way and that so as to not miss a single inch of his journey along her soft skin.
We've had a few talks about how not all bugs should be touched. Hopefully these talks sink in on some level before we have a bite or a sting that too early robs my little girl of her childish bug rapture.
***
The other day Siennalee had a very loose poo, accompanied by the usual signal toots. I fetched her, changed her, and sent her off to play again. Before long, there were telltale signs of a second loose poo. Surprised at her having a second poo so soon, I moved to confirm this when Sienna clutched her backside with a rather confused look on her face and looked up at me, evidently sharing my surprise, and said, "What happened down 'dere?!"
***
Siennalee loves playing with her Little People (Fisher-Price Little People, not to be confused with TLC's Little People, Big World). She has a pretty good set of Little People so far, thanks to Christmas and Auntie, who saw very quickly that my nieces weren't interested in their Little People and so bequeathed them to a very grateful Siennalee. My neighbor Nicole has also donated to the Little People cause.
The Little People have very dramatic lives; including, but not limited to, running, hopping, and squealing, and sometimes randomly flying through the air in a school bus that doubles as a rocket (thank you Little Einsteins). They also have very involved getogethers and mingle freely with the Little People animals.
Lately Sienna has only been interested in playing with three blonde Little People girls. I secretly call them the Little People Mean Girls. No other Little People are allowed to play. Only the same three blondies. When all Little People are neatly tucked back into their empty Quaker Oatmeal containers each evening, the blondies are well hidden. And each morning, like clockwork, Siennalee marches over, upends the containers, spills out the Little People, and finds her friends.
During a visit to Paul and Anne's house she found a sugar ant and, fascinated, watched him crawl all up and around her arm. Mouth open in amazement, she'd turn her arm this way and that so as to not miss a single inch of his journey along her soft skin.
We've had a few talks about how not all bugs should be touched. Hopefully these talks sink in on some level before we have a bite or a sting that too early robs my little girl of her childish bug rapture.
***
The other day Siennalee had a very loose poo, accompanied by the usual signal toots. I fetched her, changed her, and sent her off to play again. Before long, there were telltale signs of a second loose poo. Surprised at her having a second poo so soon, I moved to confirm this when Sienna clutched her backside with a rather confused look on her face and looked up at me, evidently sharing my surprise, and said, "What happened down 'dere?!"
***
Siennalee loves playing with her Little People (Fisher-Price Little People, not to be confused with TLC's Little People, Big World). She has a pretty good set of Little People so far, thanks to Christmas and Auntie, who saw very quickly that my nieces weren't interested in their Little People and so bequeathed them to a very grateful Siennalee. My neighbor Nicole has also donated to the Little People cause.
The Little People have very dramatic lives; including, but not limited to, running, hopping, and squealing, and sometimes randomly flying through the air in a school bus that doubles as a rocket (thank you Little Einsteins). They also have very involved getogethers and mingle freely with the Little People animals.
Lately Sienna has only been interested in playing with three blonde Little People girls. I secretly call them the Little People Mean Girls. No other Little People are allowed to play. Only the same three blondies. When all Little People are neatly tucked back into their empty Quaker Oatmeal containers each evening, the blondies are well hidden. And each morning, like clockwork, Siennalee marches over, upends the containers, spills out the Little People, and finds her friends.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Easter Basket
Siennalee's big toy in her Easter basket this year was a My Little Pony. I had My Little Ponies when I was a little girl and absolutely loved them. Sienna's still a bit young for them, but she very much enjoys playing with cousin Isabella's My Little Ponies and so I thought a pretty pony would be just the thing for Easter and for growing into more playing in the coming year. So Pinkie Pie the Pony has come to live with us.
Siennalee waits patiently for Daddy to free Pinkie Pie from her box trappings.
She came with accessories!
Many happy playtimes to come for Siennalee and Pinkie Pie.Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Semi-Shamrocks and an Ah Ha.
I just had to share these. Don't they look like little semi-Shamrocks?
They're actually just my other garden seedlings coming up, but I rejoice over them even more than I would an actual four leaf clover (which I HAVE found before, by the way). Another reason I absolutely had to share these: I've been playing more and more with my camera and had an especially fun "ah HA" moment this afternoon while I was talking to my sister-in-law Anne about some pictures I wasn't terribly happy with. As we were on the phone I grabbed my 20D, made the changes we were talking of, and ran over to my little bright green, semi-shamrock-sort-of-look-alike little baby veggies and had them pose for a few frames. Ah HA! Eureka. It worked. :) And I had to share.
St. Patrick's Day: Eatin' Good
To celebrate the bit o' Irish that winds its way happily through my family's and my own lineage, I spent the past couple days making an Irish feast, if not truly authentic, still full of fun and festivity.
Irish Champ - this is seriously good stuff.
Add a good helping of Beef and Irish Stout stew and you're in business.
That's good lookin' dinner.
And for dessert, Pioneer Woman's Apple Dumplings. These are deadly delicious.
Irish Champ - this is seriously good stuff.
Add a good helping of Beef and Irish Stout stew and you're in business.
That's good lookin' dinner.
And for dessert, Pioneer Woman's Apple Dumplings. These are deadly delicious.
My family heartily enjoyed our Irish-American meal! Leftovers ensure the coming days will continue to see us happily rejoicing in this fun time of year.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friends
Siennalee loves her friends. Especially friends who have moveable heads. Take Pink Giraffe, for example. They have many heart to hearts and share many snacks.I secretly believe this is because Sienna knows Pink Giraffe is listening to her.
He always pays attention to whatever is important to her.
He's also quite affectionate.
He certainly seems to enjoy her wet smooches.
And Pink Giraffe is by nature quite a curious pink creature.
He hangs out and waits until she's done with whatever business is important at the moment.
He's confident she'll tell him all about her newest discoveries in due time. (Note how he's attentively listening to her explain whatever it is that she and Daddy are reading on the 'puter.)
He's telling her something in this shot. (Probably that he prefers to ride in front - why should Orange One Baby always get to ride in the front?) There are two ways you can tell that Pink Giraffe is talking to Siennalee: 1st, her mouth is open and her eyebrows are up, indicating a high pitched voice is needed for whatever animal is talking at the moment, and 2nd, Pink Giraffe's head is moving (that's the big giveaway).
And they're off!(Note the other friends just lying around. Are they sleeping? Are they playing dead? If only they talked to the adults. We'd love to know.)
The cart has stopped for a quick bite. Here you meet Orange One Baby. She seems to be the regular favorite and always gets to ride in the front of the cart. Orange One Baby is a castoff of Isabella's from long ago when Sienna was first noticing baby dolls. We think Orange One Baby got her name from when Siennalee was first learning to recognize colors and orange was her first favorite color to pick out. Orange One Baby has an orange-ish head, so... there you go.
This is Moo. Siennalee has had him since she was itty bitty. He was a baby shower gift from Alicia. You can't see his face here, because he's looking at Siennalee, but rest assured he is very, very cute. (We're not positive he's a boy, but that seems to be the pronoun regularly used for him, so until somebody gets up the nerve to do a more thorough investigation, Moo is a "he.") Moo's currently the bedtime baby that regularly accompanies Siennalee to bedtimes. (I secretly believe he keeps her awake at times. But that's a pink boy cow for you.)
This camera and I are still getting to know each other. I also have a variety of factors warring against me in this photo sequence: Low light, a toddler who's faster than the camera lens - you get my drift. But blur or no blur, you can see Moo is quite beloved.
And here's MY favorite little friend to squeeze and smooch.Thankfulness
This is my husband Jason. We celebrate being married 6 years this year. He's currently the swing shift manager at our local window and door manufacturer and often works 10 hour days, sometimes even longer. He's also a Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy Reserves and spends one weekend a month, two weeks a year, and countless evening hours devoting himself to them.
He's my baby's daddy, my greatest love, and one of the best men I've ever known.
He's my baby's daddy, my greatest love, and one of the best men I've ever known.
He works hard and plays even harder. He loves football and hopes to assistant coach one day. He is thoughtful, courageous, and painfully sincere. Loves the outdoors, all sports, eating my latest culinary endeavors, playing with our daughter, and best of all, he loves ME.
I really do think I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
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